American Whiskey Convention 2021

The Long Overdue Report from the Sept 2021 American Whiskey Convention in Philadelphia

All American Whiskey attended the American Whiskey Convention 2021 in Philadelphia in September because of course we did. What follows are the bulleted minutes of our trip.

With an interlude here at the beginning to talk about promotional glassware

In the course of my career in visiting spirits conventions, I’ve received a couple of tasting glasses in my swag bag but never have any of them been worth a damn. Until now. The complimentary glass from the American Whiskey Convention is one of the best whiskey glasses I’ve held in my hand, ever. Promoter Laura Fields designed it specifically for American whiskeys.

“I just felt like the typical Glenncairn-style flared glass didn’t work for American whiskey. So I designed this myself,” Said Fields. “I think it works.”

First of all, there’s no flare.

Secondly, it’s heavy as hell. I swear mine weighs four pounds which is important. It’s not that you need the weight to drink the whiskey, it’s that the weight symbolically balances the lightness, the sublime ethereality of whiskey.

And they’re beautiful.

This also matters because whiskey is a thing of nature. Sure, we humans get in the way a little bit by passing it through a block of charred sugar maple, and yes, an alembic is not exactly something you can pick off a tree. But alcohol is not like an algorithm. Humans did not invent the natural process resulting in alcohol. We redirected it a little. We refined it.  This glass reflects that, putting the beauty of the whiskey up front.

Want one? There’s another convention next year. . .

And now, the minutes:

Philadelphia

• When you rent an Airbnb for the American Whiskey Convention 2021 in Philadelphia, please ask the important questions like
  • is the rooftop access prone to stabbing people in their shins?
  • Are the stairs actually vertical?
  • Do the stairs exceed the vertical and bow back over your head making it necessary to attain Spiderman skillsets to reach the second floor?
  • Do residents regularly park their cars in the thin single lane street which, technically should be called an alley but for some reason isn’t and is the same size it was in 1744 when some guy in a horse and buggy yelled Come on, it’s too narrow!
  • Is that street a secret pop-up car wash?
• Philadelphia needs to have a talk with its Uber drivers because oh wait, where am I? Said Four out of five of our uber trips who ended up at the wrong place with the driver asking us for directions.
• Philadelphia needs to have a talk with Google Maps
  • As Google Maps should maybe indicate that a street is
    • one-way
    • too fucking narrow
    • not really a street
• When ordering dinner at the acclaimed Elmwood restaurant, understand the Chef serves family style and family size so one rabbit is enough. One rabbit, one duck, and a pork platter, however, is more than enough to feed a starving village in Romania and you will have to box it all up at a five-star restaurant like some kind of visiting hillbilly because you can’t understand simple menuese or math.
• The Di Bruno 9th Street wine shop with the sandwiches is correct when they tell you Cucumber beer is good. Because it is good.
• Dock Street South is the right place to kick back for an easy Saturday brunch with good people and good beer.
• That other place we went to on Sunday is also good.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey. Inc. should refrain from singing “I Want to Kiss You All Over” on repeat as it annoys their wives and because that song will get stuck in your head then come out of your mouth unconsciously at very inopportune moments.
• When your attending partner, Scott Dayton, indicates he knows the lyrics to every 80s song known to man and is, essentially, an all 80s human jukebox and can, when provoked, carry on detailed conversations entirely in 80s song titles, believe him. Believe him.

The Convention

• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc. should actually read the pamphlet handed to them at the door instead of barreling through the crowd to get whiskey as the pamphlet contains valuable information like the convention is four floors, not two. You’re missing half. You idiot.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc. should recognize the wisdom of spit buckets placed so strategically around the convention floor. This is so you can taste a whiskey but not swallow that whiskey, instead, spitting it out thereby avoiding becoming inebriated within the first eight minutes of the convention.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey. Inc. should dress appropriately and not like it’s going to be 34 degrees in Philadelphia in the summer. In the words of the Beatles, regarding how you’re going to shed your outfit like it’s on fire: boy, you’re gonna carry that weight. . .
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey. Inc. should not try to commandeer the ship hosting the convention. The Independence Seaport Museum is not an actual ocean-going vessel. The bridge you discovered is a mock-up and—please stop trying to drive the ship! No, I won’t push the engines to full! WE’RE NOT RAMMING ANYONE!
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey. Inc., when attending Robin Robinson’s incredible class on Rectifying, should refrain from shedding the tiniest little tear at how fucking amazing the class is and how maybe Robin Robinson has a voice like a movie narrator and might be the American version of Sir David Attenborough because oh my god, the man is hypnotic.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey. Inc. were correct to stand and applaud Chad Solomon of Cooper’s Spirits when Cooper’s and Lock, Stock & Barrel’s 20-year-aged double pot stilled Straight Rye Whiskey won Judge’s Choice and Laura Fields swooped in with the press to grant him the award while we were sampling the rye that won.
• Lock, Stock & Barrel deserved it. My god.
• Rock & Rye is delicious and served me well on my subsequent trip to Savannah Georgia.

The After Party

• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc. when given the secret location of the after-party for notable Whiskey celebs should consult a map and not rely on their Uber driver to get them even in the right %$#@! neighborhood because see above.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., while seated at the secret after-party with whiskey celebs should check themselves before they wreck themselves as these guys are professional.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., while enjoying the convivial warmth of the after-party should pay close attention to [HUBERT–not his real name] in order to recognize that he is incomprehensibly loaded, therefore anything he says should be understood within that context and also, maybe order him some water.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., should gently explain to [HUBERT–not his real name] that they are, in fact, not a lawyer and certainly not his lawyer, and hey, would you like some black coffee?
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., should not, under any circumstances, as [HUBERT–NOT HIS REAL NAME] puts his slightly alarmed wife’s call on speakerphone, take that phone then proceed to exuberantly describe the prayer meeting currently attended by [HUBERT-N.H.R.N.] and oneself, nor should Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., describe [HUBERT-N.H.R.N.]’s contributions as ‘stellar’.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., should not stand in the middle of Franklin in Philadelphia after the after-party singing Tom Wait’s songs at the top of their lungs.
• Attending employees of All American Whiskey, Inc., should not then walk up Franklin arm-in-arm exclaiming WE ARE LEGENDS, then subsequently sing 80s hair metal songs at jet-engine-up-close-volume while waiting for one’s Uber which will probably drive their drunk ass to Allentown instead of their Airbnb.