Celebrity Whiskey Smackdown you say? Not like the whiskeys listed here are going to fight, and not that their attendant celebrity spokespeople are going to fight (Bob Dylan would win). And, this isn’t a taste test so if you are looking for verified, qualified information about celebrity whiskeys, you’re in the wrong place. However, if you are looking for a poorly researched listicle savagely skewering A through D list celebrities hawking their overpriced booze, then you’ve landed in the right spot.
Matthew McConnaughey — Longbranch Bourbon
Of course, Matthew Mkawnehee goes to Wild Turkey to make Longbranch. Of course, he does. There’s no doubt this is good whiskey. He worked with Eddie Russel so you’re going to like it but that doesn’t mean it’s alright, alright, alright. And hell yeah I went there. The dude lives in Texas and could have leveraged his star power to elevate some of the emerging distilleries from the longhorn state but no. Nice work, Wooderson.
Florida Georgia Line — Old Camp Whiskey
The important thing about neo-country supergroup Florida Georgia Line’s Old Camp whiskey is that it’s made in New Jersey. Much like their music, this whiskey is about as authentically Floridian or Georgian as their music. Which perhaps is authentically Floridian or Georgian, as it is clearly the soundtrack of your second cousin Skeeter copping a feel while you’re sitting in the truck waiting on your mom to finish blowing her dealer in the meth trailer out on [insert back road name here] so she can get you to your parole officer before you violate. Again. Linda.
Sweeten’s Cove Blended Straight Tennessee Bourbon
Oh look, sports ball bobblehead superstar claymation actor Payton Manning threw some money at a whiskey. What happened to the good old days when feetsball heroes put their names on grills? At least he worked with Marianne Eaves, who has been named best of the best of the best in Bourbon Blending. Her resume is about as long as Manning’s yardage so you’ll probably be able to drink it.
GWAR — Ragnarök Rye
Godammit! It’s got umlauts. All American Whiskey has a pro-umlaut policy due to our fascination with Çlövëñ Brëwïñg (good luck finding their beer OR their music). Also, I hung out with GWAR in 1991 and had a delightful time watching them get their genitalia pierced. Then we went to church. Plus, again, excellent distillery so it has to be good. Each member (character) in the band has their own topper and frankly, Blanton’s can kiss my grits. These are my collectible toppers of choice.
Beartooth — Barry’s Batch Whiskey
Who? I’m a music freak and I’ve never heard of these guys. I am, also, seven million years old, so maybe they’re not in my oeuvre. The lead singer always has his head cocked to one side, probably so his fucking perfectly pressed headband doesn’t pop off his anvil-shaped cranium. Beartooth’s music sounds like Sum-41 had a one-night stand with a lame Christian hardcore band. But Middle West makes damn fine whiskey, so Beartooth’s celebrity whiskey is probably a thousand times better than their angst-affected-we-need-therapy-pop-spunk-mom-do-my-laundry-over-produced-glurge-core. No link. Make them come to you.
Jamie Foxx — Brown Sugar Bourbon
The BSB website takes eight years to load so I have a message for Jamie Foxx and that is use the proper image sizes, noob. See that picture of your bourbon over there on the left? It’s 600 pixels and it still won’t fucking fit! it throws my whole page off! And yeah, I stole it from your site and I could have used photoshop to fix it but honestly is it too much to ask that celebrities getting into the celebrity whiskey game could maybe drag their corpus through the celebrity webpage best practices game? What is wrong with you? I hope your whiskey is better than Slow Jamz cause not even Kanye can save it if it ain’t.
Slipknot — No. 9 Reserve Iowa Whiskey
Gross. Fucking Slipknot. I mean, I know they’re insanely popular. Well, they were, back in the aughts. These days they’re on the GRRRR! playlist of portly soccer-dads who play it after dropping the kids off at school to remind them they can still feel. Like idiots. HOWEVER, Cedar Ridge did a great job blending bourbon and rye to create what Fred Minnick called the best celebrity whiskey of 2019–2020 which counts for something.
Anthrax — 40th Anniversary Solera Aged Bourbon
I used to skate to these guys and I’m 300 years old so this is probably your grandpa’s favorite band. The Healer is based somehow on Dimebag Darrel’s flavor profile. I’ve never tasted Dimebag Darrel but assume he had a sweaty, cigarette ash, punk club men’s room nose with a rubbery mouthfeel. WHATEVER. Hillrock is a titan of whiskey-making, even if Anthrax sounds like they were trying to play the Rocky Horror Picture Show theme from memory after a hard night sanding a floor.
Flaming Lips — Brainville Rye
Godammit, I can’t say anything bad about the Flaming Lips. They’re a great band and FEW makes incredible whiskey and Jeebus Crass, look at that label! Whatever. Rock bands age like everyone else. They slow down and want to savor the moment with a glass of whiskey by the fire.
Alice in Chains — Bourbon
Alice in Chains and FEW put this fucking bourbon together and it’s finished in Tequila Barrels and I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Do tequila and bourbon work together? Or does it taste like it sounded when Paul Anka covered Black Hole Sun which, yeah, I know that’s Soundgarden but you know what I mean.
Rolling Stones — 50th Anniversary Blended Whiskey
Hey, as far as post-concert merch goes, this $105,000 bottle is only slightly more expensive than their concert tickets. Blended from whiskies bottled in years that were significant to the Stones. Which is when, all of them? It’s 1967—no, that’s the Beatles. Tastes like Keith Richards.
Drake — Virginia Black
If I’d danced in my music video like a guy who just came home from having his spleen removed, I’d give up music for whiskey too. And look, MGD will work with anybody. They don’t give a shit. I think it’s good that Drake is out of the house and exploring new things. I assume we’ll see him slumped in chair courtside for a Warrior’s game with a bottle of Virginia Black in his hands. Tastes like a truck full of vinyl records crashed into an Indiana bakery fire.
Walter Goggins — American Whiskey
Walter Goggins, who looks like the after picture of a guy who lit an exploding cigar, has rented part of his forehead out to a distillery to craft American Whiskey, which, according to their about copy, tastes like Los Angeles. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of drinking Los Angeles you know it tastes like dead dogs, week-old fish tacos, and gang wars.
Scottie Pippen — Digits
Made from locally sourced basketball courts with a discarded Air Jordan mash bill, Digits is sourced in Tennessee then aged for five years on Mare Island north of San Fran in, we assume, the goddam shipyards. Tastes like Pippen’s sweaty fingertips which is why it’s called digits. It tastes like Pipped dips his phalanges in it. It tastes like hands.
Bob Dylan — Heaven’s Door
Just shut the hell up. Just shut up right now. You don’t make fun of Bob Dylan’s whiskey. It’s made by Bob Fucking Dylan. You know what it tastes like? It tastes like Bob Dylan’s voice at three in the morning after a pack of cigarettes and a post-concert sing along in the bus with unnamed luminaries who fucking wished they were half as talented as a lump on Mr. Dylan’s smallest bicuspid. Also, and this is true, it’s won three million awards.
Celebrity Whiskies we didn’t even mention because it’s just too much.
Can’t the celebrity whiskey trend swerve over to celebrity shortbread cookies or something? Ted Lasso is huge! Anyway, here are the ones I didn’t bother expanding on. Ugh.
- Blackened American Whiskey—Metallica
- Brother’s Bond Bourbon — Ian Somerhalder/Paul Wesley
- Bradshaw Kentucky Straight Bourbon—Terry Bradshaw
- Woodson Whiskey—Charles Woodson
- Wolf Moon Bourbon—Jason Aldean
- Bespoken Spirits—Derek jeter
