Saturday night. Your dumbass friend Darryl talked you into going to a college dive bar and now you’re ordering drinks for the table. No big deal. It’s working out. Darryl’s met a guy named Faroush who seems interested and you’re having a lovely time with Faroush’s companion, Lilly, who’s wrapping up her master’s in British Literature so for the love of God you have something in common. But, fuck. The bar. It’s eight people deep and they’re all drunk and they’re all fanning cash like it’s a strip club. The people on your left are snuggling up into your spleen and if you so much as sneeze, that whole end of the bar is going to go down like dominoes.
Good thing you know how to order whiskey at a crowded bar without being an asshole
Because not everyone does. If YouTube’s taught us anything, it’s that there is a proliferation of Karens and Todds out there in the world yelling at people for no damn reason. You’re in a crowded bar. The people on the other side of it are probably six hours into it. They spent the day prepping, making marg mix, counting inventory, and now they’re in the weeds. Hard. No one on your side of the bar has a monopoly on thirst. You may not recognize the line, but the bartenders know exactly who got to the bar and in what order, and most importantly, they know you’re there.
These tips may not get your first order any faster, but as you prove to the bartender what a goddam gentleman you are, you’ll gain prominence and trust in her court. Cred matters. Style matters. Being a decent fucking human being matters. Do it like this.
1. Keep your money in your pocket.
It doesn’t make a difference. Waving a fistful of singles only makes the bartender want to kill you. They are professionals. They know you want a drink—why the fuck else would you be there? Dancing lessons? Besides, you pay them when they cash you out, not when you order. Holding your money out like it’s a carrot on a stick only proves you think the bartender is a donkey and no bartender wants to be thought of like a donkey. You ass.
2. Relax.
You’re going to get your drink when you get your drink. No amount of agitated body language is going to change that. In fact, it might make it worse. Gesturing, waving your arms, calling out “Steve” or “Mike” or “Llewellyn” as if you’re trying to guess their name. This is all dickhead signaling that, in the bartender’s mind, moves you right to the end of the line. They saw you. They’ll get to you.
3. Make eye contact.
Imagine being the bartender. She’s fighting off drunk idiots hitting on her, she’s making eight drinks at a time, she’s running back-and-forth through a gauntlet of hands thrust over the bar clawing money at her and yelling ‘hey bartender’’ and then there you are. Perfectly still. No money. No posturing. Waiting patiently without making a sound. You are a solid rock of cool in a tidal wave of douche canoes. She could use a break from the overwhelming glurge of idiots, so she comes over.
4. Be prepared.
Know what you want. Yeah, Darryl’s drinks are always extra—like Darryl. The guy watches mixology videos and makes his own orgeat. But they’re not ridiculous and any bar can make them cause Darryl knows where he is. He’s not asking for a Ramon Gin Fizz. He just wants a seriously dirty martini. At the table, he says “It should be so dirty it comes with a used pair of panties and the bartender should quit her job out of shame.” But you’re not going to say that shit to the bartender. Faroush just wants a marg with a half salt rim. Lilly, goddess that she apparently is, looks you dead in the eye and says ‘Bourbon, neat’ which causes you to fall in love. You know their drinks. You only really need to remember the first two because Lilly’s is dead simple and you’re having what she’s having.
5. Speak their language.
Don’t get complicated. Don’t tell a story. Start with the most extra drink and work your way to the easy ones. Hold out four fingers—not like up in the air, just, you know, just your hand on the bar—the bartender may not even look at them, but they are a useful signal to her specially tuned barkeep’s brain. She knows now there are four drinks on this order. You say “Extra dirty martini, house vodka; marg with half salt; two bourbons neat.”
6. Now you get your money out.
Don’t lay your credit card on the bar, it’s a pain in the ass to pick it up. Instead, just have it ready. When she comes back with the drinks, hand her the card, say “Thank you! I’ll run a tab,” get your drinks and leave.
If you’re paying cash, figure out the fucking tab in your head and try to make your bouquet of dollar bills cover it with a 20 percent tip. When she comes back, hand her the money, say “Thanks! That’s all yours,” grab your drinks, and walk away.
