Whiskey Vault: 4 You Gotta Have Now!

A whiskey vault, tail boxes, spirit safes, or very expensive locked safes where you keep your most expensive bourbon are a thing. You can pick one up for anywhere between 3 to 5 grand and finally, finally, you can sleep at night knowing that goddam no account spineless cousin-in-law currently taking up real estate in your basement and racking up infinite scores in GTA won’t get his booger crusted fingers on your bottle of Pappy.

But do you even need a whiskey vault?

whiskley vault

Look at this one from Whiskey Vault out of Taiwan. It’s thirty inches wide on the inside, fifteen and a half inches deep, and two feet tall. You can cram a whole top-shelf of whiskey in that space and no one’s going to get close. It’s got the kind of features that give super-villains chub: bulletproof window, solid steel plate, three 25mm vault door lock bolts, tri-spoke handle machined out of aircraft aluminum,  it sits on a solid exotic wood cabinet, they’re individually numbered and built to order.

whisky vault mini

Or you can order its little brother, the Mini Whisky Vault

Which is a little smaller and shaves a couple grand off the price. It has a pin-pad and all the other features of the bigger vault. You can set it on your home bar and cry yourself to sleep when you forget the combination.

But do you even need a whiskey vault?

It’s not just that you have expensive collectible booze. It’s that you live in a neighborhood where whiskey thieves are common. Or you have it propped up in the living room window. Or you have a sign on your lawn proclaiming “As for me and my house, we believe in Pappy—which is in the basement”.

But maybe you do carry a couple of bottles whose price tag hovers in the small wheel-base domestic car spectrum. Maybe you picked up a Parker Heritage 27-year-old small-batch Bourbon for just over 3K. It’s sitting there beside that bottle of Old Fitzgerald 8-year Bourbon Whiskey which was somehow distilled in 1954 and you’re still not sure how it works, but you got it for four thousand and it was a steal. So ok, yeah. You’ve got product to protect. Maybe you need a spirit safe.

portable whiskey vault

Perhaps you need this high-impact polymer case that holds eight bottles in a fitted foam interior. Cause how the fuck else are you going to get your incredible expensive whiskey bottles from your laboratory to your lair? Fucking lairs. Such a pain in the ass and always light on the good stuff. You need that whiskey to get superheroes drunk so you can get them to talk and tell you all about their fatal flaw.

whiskey vault except its a cabinet

If you’re a cheap bastard with no style and maybe ought to just give up then use this one, smh.

You can fit sixteen bottles in it, though why would you, you cheap bastard. It only costs $200. Fill it with Skrewball and Malort. You can get it at Home Depot. I’m not even including a link, since you probably still use dial-up. Fucking savage.