Has it come to this? Are you really and truly about to order whiskey in a tiny little shot glass and then throw it down your throat like a screaming five-year-old taking medicine? I’m so disappointed in you. But, we here at All American Whiskey serve the public, and the public—that’s you, Darryll—is asking about whiskey shots. However, we hate whiskey shots so the ones on this list are fucking horrible.
Whiskey shots are a sin against god.
They really are. Here is an elixir some nerdish distiller’s worked on for years, tweaking it at all hours because she can’t sleep because it’s her baby, so she sneaks into the distillery at two in the morning to look at her mash like a new mother checking to see if the baby’s still breathing. She’s a new world alchemist of the highest order who has dedicated her life to bringing you a whiskey so rare and fine and perfect it makes her cry every time she bottles it.
To shoot that whiskey, to toss back a fine bourbon or rye for the singular purpose of getting hammered, is an absurd expropriation of priceless art. God’s favorite angels look down on you with their golden eyebrows furrowed in dark regard. Even Satan shakes his head. But you, you reprobate, you miscreant, you depraved, sinful degenerate, don’t care.
Sigh.
Alright, fine. Here.
Popular whiskey shots
The list of whiskey shots is probably infinite, but we will concentrate, here in the nut graph, on the contemporaneous. At any given bar, you can order the following whiskey shots without fear of the bartender stabbing you in your throat with a swizzle stick, though she should. Also, we retain the right to use pictures of judgemental nuns for this story in the hope that you will amend your sinful ways.
Pickle Back Whiskey Shot
There are some who wax rhapsodically on the unexpected luxury of a good pickle back shot, but those people are stupid. You’re mixing pickle juice with whiskey. I’m not going to ask the obvious question: what is wrong with you? I know what’s wrong with you. You fell out of a roller coaster and lived. You don’t live well; you’re not, you know, progressing. But the breath goes in, and the breath goes out. Your work as a parking lot attendant’s assistant’s assistant is exemplary, so you can afford something as opulent as ruined rye. Here’s to you, you excoriated asinine libertine. Here, make this:
Pickle Back recipe:
One shot of ridiculously expensive whiskey, like a Barrel Proof Bourbon or Kentucky Owl
Half a shot of cold pickle juice.
Method: shoot the whiskey, and follow it immediately with the pickle juice. Regret your life.
Kentucky Hot Tub
Not even God can save you now. You’ve ordered a Kentucky Hot Tub, and the ineffable world has turned its back on you. And rightly so. There is nothing about this drink that’s good. It’s a horrible concoction of cheap bourbon and two—yes, two—citrus liqueurs. Then, as if this isn’t enough of a slap in the face to the divine, the fin de siecle ingredient: a dash of Tabasco. May god have mercy on your soul.
Kentucky Hot Tub Whiskey Shot recipe:
A half an ounce of really, really good bourbon, and since I know you’re from Texas, let me encourage you to purchase some of the fine texas whiskey. I mean, if you’re going to ruin it, at least make it help the industry. Get some Still Austin bourbon.
Half an ounce of orange liqueur, usually Cointreau.
A quarter ounce of Blue Curacao, because why not? You’re going to hell anyway.
Four drops (or to taste, whatever that means) of Tobasco sauce.
Method: add ingredients to a shaker filled with ice and shake the shit out of it. Strain into a shot glass. Light a candle. Say a prayer.
Duck Fart Whiskey Shot
Why? Why would you even say this out loud? Only a poorly groomed, spitefully malevolent marsupial fondler would make a hospitality professional go through the 18 minutes of carefully spooning these three ingredients into a shot glass, then shoot it. Do you see the picture of the nun up there? That’s the soul of the bartender looking at you through the industry smile welded to their face. People like you deserve the celestial judgment that comes with this shot.
Duck Fart Recipe
Half an ounce of Kahlua
Then Half an ounce of Baileys Irish Cream
Half an ounce of extraordinarily expensive whiskey, perhaps some Widow Jane or Lock, Stock & Barrel 21-year rye? Won’t make a difference to a baboon such as yourself, but it’s good for their bottom line.
Method: In the order listed, carefully layer the ingredients into a shot glass. Pour the Bailey’s and the whiskey over the back of a spoon—CAREFULLY, DARRYLL—to get the layers right. And then, yeah, after all that work, shoot it like you’re playing an FPS.
The Three Wise Men
In no known world will this website recommend the recommended whiskeys comprising this crass, disgusting, idiotic mandrill vomit of a shot. We will, in the following recipe, follow the spirit of the shot using independent American whiskies with the same flavor profiles. You won’t find them all in a bar anywhere in the world, which means you can’t make this shot for which all the known pagan gods and I are grateful. Whatever. Do this.
The classic version is half an ounce each of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Johnny Walker. Get it? It’s three old white dudes. But screw that shite. We’re making a brand new whiskey shot: The Three Wise WOMEN of Whiskey, or THE FATES.
Victoria Eady Butler is the Master Blender for Uncle Nearest Premium Whiskey. If you didn’t know, Uncle Nearest taught Jack Daniel how to make Tennessee whiskey. Use it instead of Jack.
Widow Jane was owned by Lisa Wicker before it was picked up by Heaven Hill. Their bourbon is made from a single source of exceptional water filtered through the limestone and other rock of an abandoned mine in Red Hook, NY.
Courage & Conviction is an American Single Malt distilled by Amanda Beckwith of Virginia Distillery.
The Fates recipe
Half an ounce each of Widow Jane’s 10-year bourbon, Uncle Nearest, Courage and Conviction Single Malt poured gently into a shot glass, preferably a tiny little fluted number with a foot.
Green Tea Whiskey Shot
Jeebis crass. We were having such a good time. And now, you’ve gone and ordered Green Tea whiskey shots, and the bartender doesn’t like us anymore. Not that the shot is terribly hard to make, it’s just a shit shot and a red flag for psychopaths. Here is a brief, though incomplete, list of the personality flaws associated with people who order green tea shots:
- Favorite Billy Joel song is “Allentown,”—a bootleg version
- Owns more than one pair of custom shoelaces
- Uses a float in the lazy river
- Rides a recumbent bike . . . everywhere.
- Talks about jazz as if they know jazz leading some to think they’re talking about the treasured Blue Note collection of classic, foundational jazz, but they’re really talking about Kenny G. (gross).
- Does that Family Guy “cool huh-whip” thing when ordering whiskey as if that joke is still a thing, Jesus Harbinger of Doom Christ, Darryll.
Green Tea Whiskey Shot Recipe Go to Hell
One part (like half an ounce, in case you haven’t caught on by now) Journeyman Last Feather Rye because hey, fuck it, let’s ruin something beautiful.
One part Peach Schnapps you sad bastard
AND One part sweet & Sour mix
Splash of lemon-lime soda, which probably means sprite; goddam, I hate this.
Add all the booze and the sour mix into a shaker filled with ice. Shake the living hell out of it. Strain into a shot glass, splish the splash. Serve with a downcast countenance.
There! Are you happy now?
