The worst whiskey is Fireball and you can tell I’m right by tasting it, hopefully outdoors in a hazmat suit under professional supervision with an ambulance standing by. But that’s just me. I hate fireball the way everyone on earth hates the Green Bay Packers (with a searing, murderous vengeance). A lot of people love Fireball. Some people even keep it at home in the same room as the real whiskies because those people are loathsome reprobates who—I’m doing it again. That’s how much I hate Fireball.
I’m not alone in hating the worst whiskey
I recently took a poll on Bourbonr, a delightfully professional bourbon-centric Facebook page that WON’T SUBJECT YOU TO UNDER-THE-COUNTER BOURBON PIMPS, asking this simple question:
I thought I’d get a list of peanut butter-flavored booze and nine instances of Malort. But instead of weird whiskies, I watched in awe as the comment section boom scrolled with vitriolic booze hate. Which was hilarious. Bourbon lovers love to love bourbon but they also love to hate bourbon, when that bourbon doesn’t meet their exacting requirements or pleasure their refined palate.
Also, as Dan Garrison has said, Bourbon drinkers are good people. Which in this case means hilarious comedians because their hate bombs were more often than not laugh-out-loud funny, and I should know [jesus he’s going to mention his awards again].
My favorite comment wasn’t even on that thread, though it should have been there:
Bradshaw Bourbon belongs in a gas station beside the 5 hour energy drinks and boner pills.
Kip Hogan, fucking legend.
I just wish they loved Garrison Bros Bourbon as much as I do . . .
Because oh my god did they not like it. I don’t understand it. Garrison Brothers is my favorite bourbon and I know palates differ, I know they are complex, based on a taster’s myriad experience of spirits, their genetics, zodiac sign, and what shoes they’re wearing. But how far apart can two people’s taste experiences be?
According to the answers to my informal poll, fucking miles apart.
The Worst Whiskey according to a whole lot of bourbon lovers on this one Facebook page.
HUDSON BABY BOURBON
First answer. Look a the picture up there. The first guy writes “Hudson Baby,” no explanation, no scree. Just a lingering unresolved disappointment that’s haunted him ever since. Most reviews of Hudson Baby Bourbon were meh level pr boilerplate. Until you get into the comments, where inevitably someone all caps FURNITURE POLISH. Doesn’t matter, Hudson Baby never grew up because the brand was sold and this one was discontinued.
WOODFORD MC CHOCOLATE MALTED RYE
Brilliant reviews everywhere except on this thread of whiskey lovers. I agree with them on principle—chocolate malted rye sounds disgusting. I trust my ability to judge a whiskey without ever tasting it. I’m a professional. But if you want to drop a c-note on East Peruvian badger vomit, be my guest.
BLOODY BUTCHER CORN
Regarded by bourbon enthusiasts from the Facebook post in question as ‘absolutely foul’ and ‘this’ (pointing at absolutely foul), Jeptha Creed seems to inspire hate as deep, trashy, and funky as its garbage bag terroir.
COWBOY BOURBON
This is where the people of the thread lost me because Garrison Brothers’ Cowboy Whiskey is my favorite whiskey. We love the work of Dan Garrison and I won’t stand here and allow people to trash talk this fine Texas house! Ya’ll need to try harder! (I mean the people on Facebook, not you Dan, you’re awesome. So is Meghan. Everything is good. Send me whiskey).
DUKE BOURBON FOUNDER’S RESERVE GRAN CRU
Several people aimed this whiskey drainward. I can only assume it’s true based on science: the longer the name, the worse the whiskey. I haven’t tested this theory in the lab yet, because my lab is a Binny’s in Lincolnwood and by testing I mean drinking and someone please drive me home.
EXCEPT THEY DON’T MEAN THAT DUKE THEY MEAN THIS DUKE WITH THE DUKE ON IT
Of course, it’s a celebrity whiskey, and of course, it’s from the Duke himself, John Wayne. If you don’t know who John Wayne is, it doesn’t matter because all the people who care are either dead or don’t know how to use the internet. So go ahead, hate with impunity. Much like the people on this thread, who are in therapy after drinking this cowboy crap.
