Weird whiskies are out of control. because the bourbon revolution is a giant vacuum of opportunity. Whiskey sales are zooming up through the stratosphere. Trust us; evil opportunists are out there winging it, filling that drunken vacuum with whiskey that suuuuucks. I’m almost certain Jeff Bezos is building a distillery on the moon. He’s gonna make Jeffy Boy’s Moon Made Moonshine. It’ll cost four thousand dollars a bottle and taste like the floor of the NASA control room in 1984.
But even that will be better than the effluviate glurge bottled in the weird whiskies below.
Wherein the bourbon boom has birthed abominations bent on besieging the liquescent cargo of your bilious belly with vile beverages until you blow chunks. We present you with the weirdest weird whiskies or wyrd whiskeys which should not exist but please don’t drink them.
PUMPKIN SPICED [vomit] WHISKEY
Because what the world needs, what it really, really needs, is more pumpkin spice. I am a pumpkin pie man from way back, and while I enjoy a whopping slab of this pilgrim-era dessert, I enjoy it on a plate, not in a glass. Pumpkin spice was over ten years ago. Please stop doing this—especially to whiskey. Especially to weird whiskies. Or weird whiskies.
PIEHOLE CHERRY PIE [hurrrrngh] WHISKEY
It’s ok to say ‘to each their own,’ but if Japanese pornography has taught us anything, it’s that there are limits to what the sobriquet of ‘one’s own’ may abide. Pie Hole’s distillery apparently did the world a favor and threw itself off a bridge, but the product is still out there if you try hard. We found it at the very appropriately named Liquorama. WEIRD WHISKEYS INDEED!
MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP [oh god no] WHISKEY
Someone needs to sit these motherfuckers down for a come to Jesus meetin’ because they are racing brakeless down a cracked asphalt backroad straight to hell. Their list of spirits is a nearly endless collection of jars-of-horror like you’ve walked into Mengles’ side gig as a curator of pickled homunculi, staring out at you through the curve of a mason jar with their dead frog eyes. Salty caramel? Salty watermelon? White chocolate strawberry? Banana pudding cream! How dare they—BANANA PUDDING IS THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE! But their Mint Chocolate Chip whiskey, made by buying cheap tubs of elementary school hallway angst green ice cream then letting it melt on the dash of a 1974 Buick Skylark before wiping it up with the rags they use to clean the valves on their still, it tastes exactly like you think it will taste.
CHIPOTLE [hurrrrrrrl] WHISKEY
Jim Beam made Tabasco Whiskey which was horrible which led the undead brainless zombies at Rogue to think ‘we can do worse’ and they did. Kudos to the guys at Rogue for sticking to their vision of crafting a spirit that tastes like esophageal reflux mixed with battery acid and cough syrup thinned out with snake sweat.
JEREMIAH WEED SASPARILLA [hold my hair] WHISKEY
Fortunately, Jeremiah Weed shut down—for reals this time, not a fake shutdown like the other times when the internet celebrated too early. You can relax. You can embrace joy. You can dance like nobody’s looking at you funny for drinking unregulated goat spit filtered through a box of discontinued sun-dried fig-flavored peeps you found in a distant corner of the county dump.
Any whiskey that deviates from the official mash bill in a direction that takes the whiskey too far from the accepted flavor profile. Peanut Butter whiskey isn’t considered weird because it follows the nutty flavor profile already existing in whiskey. Mint Chocolate Chip is weird because mint is miles away from the whiskey taste spectrum.
No. They are an abomination. Maybe you will like crab whiskey. Maybe you will like hot pepper whiskey. But it’s a cry for help, and you should seek therapy.
It hurts me, in my heart, to type the following: Fireball is not one of the weird whiskies. It is an abomination, a slight on God’s gift of fermentation, and the reason aliens fly right past. But no, it follows existing whiskey flavor profiles—too far. It goes too far.
