Is a Manhattan a Girly Drink?

Tell us a little about yourself. We’re genuinely curious. Are you, for instance, right this moment sitting in a bar next to a woman for whom you wish to order a drink? Do you think that woman needs a drink that is engineered specifically for humans of the female persuasion? Stop reading for a second and look at her, I mean, really look at her. Do you think she gives a singular rat’s ass about whether or not the drink you order for her is a girl drink? And are you, a person at a bar, thinking about ordering a drink for a woman also at the bar, wondering if a Manhattan is a girly drink? Holy Got Damn hell, kid; did your mamma drop you as a child?

Let’s try a thought experiment to determine if a Manhattan is a Girly Drink

Let’s pretend you’re not in this bar thinking about ordering that woman a girly drink. Let’s pretend you’re in a stationery store, and she needs a pen. What kind of pen are you going to get her? Would you walk over to the proprietor and, in a conspiratorial whisper, ask if a Pilot Metropolitan is a girl pen? Are you gonna buy her pink notebooks with hearts and pink balloons with sparkles? Because I guarantee if you do that, you will suffer a sudden and devastating return to a dry spell.

If you were going to call this woman a cab, would you Google “girly cab”? No? WHY THE HELL NOT, MAN!? Is it because that would be embarrassingly trite and patently ridiculous and if she found out, you would not get laid? BECAUSE YOU ARE CORRECT!

There is no such thing as a girl drink, you insalubrious short-gamed goat-footed drool bucket.

A girl drink is whatever a girl is drinking. Sum zero syntax there, sweetheart. It means that dog won’t hunt and if you’re still reading this and wondering if I’m ever going to answer the question, is a manhattan a girl drink, allow me to do that now. No, it is not a goddam girl drink.

If you want to know what drink to order for your curvy companion, fucking ask her.

Dumbass.

Or maybe you’re ordering this drink for yourself?

Still counts. Grow up. Drink like nobody’s looking. Dance like nobody cares.

Or maybe someone ordered a manhattan for you, and you want to know if it’s a girly drink because a) you’re worried it might make you gay, or b) you want to know if they’re gender-tagging you and you want to set them right.

A) you’re already gay. Sexuality is a spectrum, Eugene. You’re on it. So you’re gay. But because it’s like an odometer, and because you are concerned about it, trust us, your needle is hitting steadfastly below the E. Of course, maybe you should worry more about that because trust us, sweetheart, we’ve seen you dance and bitch you might want to shove an umbrella in your next whiskey sour, capisce?

B) Probably. Let’s face it, gender tagging has the momentum of syntactical history giving. Even people trying to stay aware and compassionate and respectful and use your preferred pronouns are still gonna get it wrong sometimes. Eugene (or Eugenia, or YouGiene, or whomever) ordered this drink because they think you’re hot, and they want to engage in red hot monkey love maneuvers asap. So before you go and reroute their gender tagging, ask yourself two questions: 1) maybe afterward? and 2) you gonna drink that?

Is a Manhattan a girly drink?

No, you wearisome jut-jawed cliff-browed bowspleened soap-allergic cow fart.

It’s this:

All American Whiskey’s Manhattan

1.5 oz. of Maverick Bourbon

One oz. of Maverick Triticale Whiskey

.5 oz of sweet vermouth

dash Fee Brothers Cherry Bitters

Frozen Dark Cherry garnish

Add it all together in a shaker. Shake it until you can’t peel your fingers off the metal and people are wondering if you’ve finally turned that not-so-distant corner around your facade of sanity. Strain into your most elegant coupe, and drop that frozen cherry in the bottom.